Conscious Relationship 101: What That Means, Where To Start, & How to Stay There
In my last blog, we went over what I consider the first pillar of my coaching systems: Feminine Energy. (Read it here if you haven’t yet.) Now we are on to the second pillar, which is Relationship.
Is there anything else out there where more people have more unsolicited advice on a subject?
I don’t think so.
Your mom, your sister, your best friend, your-neighbor-two-doors-down-who-happened-to-walk-by-when-she-saw-you-arguing…
Everyone and their dog thinks they know best when it comes to a certain situation in a relationship. And hey, getting different perspectives on things can be enlightening one way or the other.
But today, we are here to talk about relationship and love on a conscious level. One where your existing patterns and past experiences no longer dictate how you function in a relationship with another human being.
I’m talking about a relationship where you are responsible for your own emotions, actions, and reactions.
A relationship where you can see your partner for the mirror they can be to your deepest wounds, and that they can be your greatest teacher if you let them.
Where you understand and empathize with your partners childhood wounds, triggers, history, and core wounds; but don’t try to fix them or take them on as your own.
A conscious relationship that doesn’t start with another person.
It starts with you.
The book “A Course of Miracles” says,
We must not seek for the meaning of love,
but remove all barriers to loves presence.
Love is always present within us and around us if we can remove the resistance and barriers we have unconsciously erected around ourselves for protection, a feeling of safety, survival. The defense mechanisms we deploy in order to keep others a safe distance from us, or from never being rejected or abandoned again.
The brain is highly sophisticated in making sure we remain safe, however, some of those mechanisms that keep us safe, are the very things that keep us from experiencing a deep, soul-led, conscious love and connection with another human being.
What a Conscious Relationship Really Means
A conscious relationship isn’t about being perfect, never fighting, or memorizing communication scripts (although, having a few in your back pocket for when you want to be snarky instead isn’t a bad idea).
It’s about awareness. Presence. Choice.
-Awareness of: what is going on within you, what pattern you are currently acting out, what wound was just touched on
-Presence: in your own body to recognize what is coming up in you, and in the room as a whole, so you can see the reality of the situation not the perception of it
-Choice: taking a small pause to realize you always have a choice in how you react. You may be acting on a feeling you experienced in the past, but now, as an adult, you can choose to react in the same way or differently. Choose to see there are many paths to take, not just one.
It’s choosing to no longer run on autopilot. To stop letting your unhealed wounds, patterns, and protective walls lead the way. It’s learning to show up as the real you, not the version of you that’s been shaped by survival or past experiences; not the version of you that has been molded by society and culture, telling you how you are “supposed” to be.
Conscious love means asking: Am I awake in my own life? Am I the one steering this ship? Am I willing to see myself clearly? Do I know myself down to the very depths?
If you aren’t in relationship with yourself, you can’t truly be in relationship with anyone else.
The Default vs. The Conscious
Here’s what most of us were unconsciously taught and took on about love (the default):
Stay safe by people-pleasing, shutting down, silencing your self.
Avoid conflict at all costs.
Let childhood wounds dictate how we attach, chase, or withdraw.
Think the right partner will “fix” us.
Self-sacrifice for the betterment of the other person.
A conscious relationship looks and feels different. Even when it’s just you, practicing with yourself:
Taking radical responsibility for your emotions and actions.
Recognizing your triggers as teachers, not proof that you’re broken or that it’s someone else’s fault.
Honoring your needs instead of ignoring them.
Learning to hold both your softness and your sovereignty.
Speaking your truth, using vulnerability as your strength, even if it will cause a disruption.
Core Practices of Conscious Love (With Yourself First)
These are starting points — ways to cultivate conscious love inwardly before expecting it outwardly.
1. Self-awareness before partner-awareness
We like to dissect the people around us, especially our partners. It makes us feel better if we can notice and talk about the things we think others are doing “wrong.” AKA, we cast our judgments in the hopes we will come out feeling like we’re doing it better. (Here’s a secret… you don’t feel better.)
It’s time to look at the SELF now.
Notice your own patterns - Do you pull away when things feel too close? Do you cling when you’re afraid of losing someone? Do you shut down/lose your voice when a hard conversation comes up? Do you cause harm/disruption when you feel you have been hurt? Do you say things you don’t mean in order to project your feelings onto the other person? Are you passive-aggressive when you’re activated instead of speaking directly to the point that caused hurt?
There are many, but this awareness of yourself is the starting point.
Awareness is power — and compassion is key.
2. Embodied truth-telling
Practice being honest with yourself before you practice with others. (I mean, radically honest.)
Journal the truths you avoid saying out loud. Write out or say aloud what those deep desires/thoughts/emotions are - even if they feel dark and heavy, or too airy to grab ahold of. Let your body tell you when something isn’t aligned and when something is. Allow your truth to rise up from your depths, from your womb, and out into the universe.
3. Boundaries as devotion
Boundaries are not walls; they’re love in action. They are, first and foremost, the structure within which you can keep your energy and your individual source protected. They provide the arena in which you can live your life without the worry that something is going to take you out.
Start with yourself: keep promises to your body, honor your energy, say no when you mean no.
4. The sacred pause
Instead of reacting from fear, pause. Breathe. Feel what’s underneath. Feel if this feeling that is coming into your orbit is yours, or someone else’s that you are soaking in. Feel if the reaction you want to let out is from your higher self, or from a past wound that is being activated. This is where new choices are born.
5. Softness without apology
Being in your feminine — receptive, emotional, sensual — is not weakness. It is stepping into your full power and strength as a woman. It’s consciousness. It’s allowing love to actually land.
Why This Work Matters
When you choose to love yourself consciously, you’re not waiting for someone else to save you or to create a space where you can finally feel safe within. You’re not outsourcing your wholeness to anyone else to fill.
You become the source of safety, truth, and love within your own life.
You know where your pain points are, what you are willing to allow and what you are not, what you deserve from this life, from the people around you, from your own self.
You learn to look at your self and your past experiences/choices with compassion and love; instead of blame, shame, or guilt.
And from that place, any relationship you step into — whether romantic, platonic, or familial — transforms. Because you’re no longer relating and reacting from fear of abandonment, rejection, dismissal, not belonging... You’re relating from presence. From peace. From you.
You’re relating from a place that is no longer being dictated by past defense mechanisms and hurts, but from boundaries and honor for your self.
Your Invitation
If you’ve been longing for more in your relationships, start here: with yourself. Conscious love is not something you “get” from someone else. It is not something you find and you’re magically in it.
It’s something you practice, every damn day, until it becomes your way of being.
And if you’re ready to go deeper, this is the work I guide women through in HER Rising and HER Return.
Because when you remember how to love yourself consciously, every connection in your life expands.
When you begin with yourself, you begin to strip down those barriers to love that are no longer serving you, and let love wholly into your life.
Closing Prompt
Take a breath. Place your hand on your heart.
Whisper: I choose to love myself consciously; with intention and devotion to my higher self.
Now ask yourself: What would change if I lived this way today?
I’ve included a free download here for you
You can download it today, move through the exercises going deeper into the Core Practices in a way you can put into your daily life, and start making intentional steps towards a more conscious way of being in relationship.
Download Here — 5 Practices for Conscious Love (With Yourself First)
